Nature of Man

… nothing that happens to Man is ever natural …

The reason for this post actually has nothing to do with my nonexistent feelings towards MTV, I’m just laying a basis for another analysis which I don’t have time for right now. Besides, I like to rant :)

Here’s what you need to succeed in the metal music industry. I think this also aplies to music for any smaller scale audience. Also, I’m not talking Metallica or Limp Bizkit here. Think rather Opeth, Ayreon, Dimmu Borgir (successful samples in different non-massively-popular subgenres). Okay, okay, here’s the list:

• A good composer
• Some good musicians
• Singer(s) with good voice(s)
• Luck (to get noticed)
• Some money to get started

Here’s what you need to create a successful pop star:

• Tons of money
• Any girl, boy, transgendered, etc…

All other factors have no impact on pop music!

Composer: any tune will do, even random keystrokes on the synth (Brittney Spears, that ’song’ with digits in the name). Also works to ‘borrow’ a tune from the ’60s, ’70s or ’80s. The fans will like anything that runs on MTV, and for that you only need money.

Musicians: nope, just software.

Voice: nope, just software filters and/or 10+ attempts at the studio. When going on a tour use playback or realtime pitch adjusting. (Madonna in the pre-Evita period, JLo)

Looks: plastic surgery is getting better and cheaper (if you don’t overdo it). Makeup is surely a must.

Money: trucks in, ships out.

And before flaming me that any bozo can grunt like an animal, let me tell you that metal is not only grunting, grunting is not a thing that can be done properly by anyone, and anyone who can’t bear the grunting, can at least hear the awesome composing job (Dimmu Borgir - Fear And Wonder [intro] (3MB))

But I must agree, most metal guys do look ridiculous.

One of the many memorable thoughts in Science of the Discworld II: The Globe:

The common (and often annoying) saying “The exception proves the rule” turns out to mean that the exeption tests the rule, and finds it wrong. Please, shut the mouth of the next person who tries to use this as an argument.

Here’s another:
“[…] we may indeed share 98 per cent of our DNA with chimpansees, but then, we share 47 per cent with cabbages.”

This sentence suddenly explains so many things about some people around, that it should be written in huge letters in school rooms around the world. Except in the US, of course, where it would be politically correct to offer some non-evolutionist explanation as well. Then again mentioning animals and vegetables in the same sentence would certainly be offensive to the vegetarians, or were they the vegans (should be those that don’t wear rubber faces in Star Trek).

Yes, it’s not easy to be politically correct, dear male, female, neutered, transgendered, hermaphrodite or unspecified reader, listener or braile tactile perceptor. Shit, did I put “male” first in the list?

Fuck, did I just say “shit”?

As Assen pointed out, an idea cannot be a meme if it doesn’t mutate and propagate, so here’s what my bunny-infected brain (and shaky hand) came up with:

Spread the word, brothers.

Suicide Bunnies is this meme started by two cartoon books on little rodents ending their lives (but neither of the terrorist kamikaze nor of the regular roadkill variety). Examples of these should definitely not (considering most copyright laws) be available here or here.

Some people would object to depicting such mindless violence as being possibly dangerous to minors, so I’m obliged (or obligated if you live across the pond, or have no idea what the pond is) to warn you: If there are any minors near your computer screen, please tell them to go in the other room and play on the Xbox. Thank you.

Our program will now continue with the latest news in street gang warfare. In New York, the Seward Park Rats lead with 15 to 8 in their evening match with the Ghetto Pitbulls…